Moment by Moment

For nearly six decades,  I catapulted through life.  Fear drove me — fear of punishment, fear of anger, fear of ridicule.  From the terror of an abusive father to the dire pronouncement of callous and unknowing doctors, I learned that my days could be numbered and most certainly would be short.  I stumbled forward on the broken road.

In later years, a kind of emotional short-sightedness plagued me.  I spoke and thought and reacted in superlatives.  My ragged nerves had touched the stove once too often. I shrank within myself.  Despite unearthing a few shiny stones as I dragged myself through the muck and grime, I never paused.  I let the scenery slip past in the gloom of night.  I leaned my head against the dark cold glass as the towns rolled by.  I made no move to disembark.

For a brief moment, fifty-five and fragile, I let myself dare to believe that I could slow, at long last; maybe even rest.  The feeling did not endure.  When I finally shook free of the immobilizing sting of disappointment, I fled.

Here at the edge of the earth, as I creep into my last act, I have no more reason to run.  The demons seem to have shuddered to a halt.  They do not venture into the river valley.  The Delta winds drive them back.   The ocean sits an hour from my doorstep.  Though I do not seek its comfort as often as I would like, the song of the Pacific has soothed me in some immeasurable way.  I know she waits for me.  I take my time.  Meanwhile, here on the banks of the San Joaquin, my life unfolds moment to moment, one frame at a time.  My heart slows.  Breathe in, breathe out.  And repeat.

It’s the twenty-fifth day of the eighty-second month of My Year Without Complaining.  Life continues.

P.S.  Somewhere along the way, I have lost track of the months.  This is my seventh year of this journey.  Math is not my strong suit.  Six times twelve being seventy-two, October 2020 is the EIGHTY-SECOND month, not the ninety-second.  Any blog entry with the leap into the future stands corrected.  My apologies.

2 thoughts on “Moment by Moment

  1. Alwilda lucero

    I love your honesty, vulnerability and courage…I love the way you sing your song of Life…I love the way the ocean and river soothe your perfect soul…because all those things keep me going through my Life of Pain and if I’m lucky …Love and Joy, enter in …with Gratitude, Alwilda Susann Lucero ♥️♥️


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