My former sister-in-law and friend, Linda Overton, responds to apology by saying, “I forgave ya when ya done it,” in her lovely drawl.  Her voice echoes in my mind when I encounter some slight or remission that raises my hackles.  I tell myself that I should overlook the failure, or forgive it.  And when I don’t, when I grouse or complain, I hear her voice again, mildly telling me that she has bestowed on me, the grace of her heart.

My quest not to complain takes me a step back from forgiveness.

As I trudged down the unshoveled walk today, I shook off the urge to wonder “why??”, outloud, and in the hearing of any of the three folks whom I simultaneously (no kidding — by group text) asked to shovel the walk.  I would say, in a mock quizzical way, “Tell me again why the walk isn’t shoveled?”  And then they would apologize, giving me the chance for that self-righteous gaze, the magnanimous posture, and the forgiveness.

Now, lest you mistake me:  Linda’s brand of forgiveness is sincere.  Someone errs; and she quietly, sometimes without comment, forgives them deep within herself.  But what I’ve described does not follow this path.  It is not sincere.  Forgiveness heals; insincere expression of forgivness provides the forgiver with a chance to create the perception of virtue.  “I, her royal highness, do hereby absolve you,” proclaims the wronged one, with a royal sweep of her arm.

What I strive to do is diminish the opportunity for drawing the apology and bestowing the gesture.  I want to react to the failure by simply going back to the person and telling them why I need them to do the chore, and requesting their compliance — but allowing them both to decline, and to do so without my wrath descending on their head.  This is what I’ve learned from Nonviolent communication:  Express your need, make a specific request for action to fulfill that need, but make it as a request, not a demand.

If the person errs — does something we do not want them to do or fails to do something we do not want them to do — complaining will not meet your need to have the conduct change.   So what useful purpose does it serve?  The pattern persists: Demand, complain, apology, forgiveness, and the demander gets to strut about feeling self-righteous, while the apologizer slinks off, feeling like a failure.

Wow.  What a way to live.