Today I’d like to say a few words about triggers.

The man who cuts you off in traffic.  The Judge who looks down on you and smirks as she denies your continuance request.  The spouse who bites your head off when you ask if he or she wants more coffee.  The boss who leaves early while you slave away at your PC.  The teenager who leaves his dirty dishes in the sink.

And when it happens, that trigger gets pulled, we all say, “Oh my Gawd, I could just —“.

Oops.

And some triggers are worse:  The arrogant man who treats you like you’re daft because you’re female.  The older person who makes a statement about an ethnic group that stuns you.  The client who doesn’t pay but still calls five times a day.  The trigger gets pulled, and we all say, “That son of a —“.

Double oops.

One  has a perfect right to say:  “Dear —  Sir — Your honor — I need …and I would like you to…” or “I am uncomfortable with…and I would appreciate it if you would not…”.  These statements are not complaints.  They are requests for a change in behavior to meet an end that you articulate.

To your spouse:  “I need to be calm in the morning while  preparing for work.  Would you be able to watch the kids during that half an hour?”

And when he says, “Gee, I’d like to, but I’m late”,  refrain from grumbling while you slam the Cheerios on the table and the kids sit, wide-eyed, listening to you talk about their Daddy’s unmitigated gall.  Complaining effects the speaker and anyone who hears it.  And the audience is rarely the object of the complaint, who has usually gone about their business oblivious to your ire.  There are a lot of collateral victims of complaining though — the next  guy you see, the next call you make, the kids, the poor kids, those wide-eyed little ones listening to you bash their mommy or daddy for whatever slight you just suffered.

Nobody makes you complain; you choose complaining.  And you can choose not to complain.  I had just such a chance today; and I bit my togue, and let it roll by me.  I found the experience challenging; but I made it through without complaining.  I’m still in shock!  A week ago, I would have snapped, berated, and raised my voice in self-righteous indignation.  Today, I looked at the person standing cross from me, poential collateral victim of the complaint which rose to my lips, and I said instead, “Well, it’s a new year.”  And let it go.