I had a difficult day today, I’m going to just step right up and admit that. I tried something new and it didn’t work. I had an asthma attack. I had to pick up the debris of a bat that my dog killed. I had an asthma attack last evening, too. Then I let myself wallow in self-pity, lashed out at someone whom I knew didn’t deserve to be the victim of my lashing-out, and then I tried calling around to a bunch of people looking for someone to calm me down, and nobody answered.
Shew. That’s a whole lot of mess for somebody who has been trying not to complain.
One of the ways I’ve tried to change myself this year has been through nonviolent communication. Today I created a few examples of violent communication. Marshall Rosenberg teaches “nonviolent screaming”, where we tell another person how much pain we’re in at a given moment, rather than telling the other person they are hurting us. I did just the opposite today: I screamed violently. I regressed to blame-placing and self-pity, and got a big fat negative result as a consequence of it, exactly what I know happens when I scream violently.
I acknowledge that I chose behavior from a place of pain that I would prefer not to choose. My need for comfort did not get met, and I drew someone else into the quagmire of my pain in the process. I guess the only thing good about the experience is that I learned from it. My regression to violent communication underscored for me that my prior choice to communicate nonviolently is still my preference.
I’m going to pull out my cheat sheet and practice. Til then, I’ve got an R. D. Wingfield book to distract me. Tomorrow is another day. Stay tuned for updates.
The negative feedback loop was plenty to help you grow. So now give yourself the break you would tell others to give, in the same place, and get a good rest for a peaceful happy day tomorrow. Close your eyes and imagine yourself wrapped in the arms of everyone whom you positively touched in the past month. Night, friend. Love you.
People can only be drawn into another’s drama or pain if they allow themselves to be. (one thought)
Self-forgiveness is the greatest challenge for me personally for probably a hundred reasons, but the one that stands out is a life-time habit of self-abuse. The things we say to ourselves we would never say to another person–in most circumstances. Practicing kindness/forgiveness to self is essential to changing behavior. You are making tremendous progress it appears, now forgive yourself and move forward!
And, I do hope you are feeling more whole and much better physically today. Sending love and light…
Thank you, Brian and Cindy both. Your words are like the soothing ripple of a gentle brook; the caress of a spring breeze; the fragrance of a rose wafting through the window on a summer day. You both reached through the internet and fulfilled my need for comfort. Thank you. This is a hard journey; that is one reason I chose to make it publicly, like a mountain climber tweeting about the arudousness of the cliffs. It is a fantastic journey, and those who follow might benefit from my observations of its treacheries and its wonders.
My metaphorical mountain nearly sent me plunging to the rocks this weekend, but I’m stilll dangling, looking for a handhold. I’m counting the two of you (and others, who reached out to me privately) as among those holding the rope steady as I go.