I read this in Stranger in A Strange Land so many years ago that I can’t remember when:

’Gratitude’ is a euphemism for resentment…The Japanese have five different ways to say ‘thank you’—and every one of them translates literally as resentment, in various degrees…English is capable of defining sentiments that the human nervous system is quite incapable of experiencing.

Heinlein, Robert A., Stranger in a Strange Land, Ch 1.  I subconsciously grafted the part about the Japanese without questioning it, though I later tried to substantiate it without success.   For years, I grappled with the idea that an expression of gratitude both invoked and bespoke emotions too complicated for humans to understand.  I wanted to be able to tell someone that I appreciated what they had done without hinting that I resented their ability to do what I could not, nor that I questioned the purity of their intentions.

It seems so simple:  I do something for you, without needing or wanting anything in return.  You indicate your appreciation.  Our dance continues without nuanced interactions.

But little of human intercourse actually flows without restraint.  You bring me flowers; I wonder what you want.  I fix dinner for you; you ask yourself, What did she forget to do now?  I say, I appreciate what you did, you expect me to gush, or use certain words, or pay you back by an action of equal merit.

It’s complicated.

Tonight I repaid a friend for three days of house-sitting.  I did not tell her in advance that I intended to do so.  We planned to meet for dinner, and when the check came, I snatched it away before she could flinch.  Wallet in hand, she pulled her brow into a frown.  I explained; and a smile beamed across her face.

She had done something for me with no expectation of repayment; and she accepted my offer as an act of appreciation.  She did not measure her house-sitting against my few dollars for steak pho and a calamari appetizer.  If she had, I would have fallen short.  The comparative nature of what each of us bestowed on the other did not come into it.

I did not resent her; I appreciated her.  Heinlein be damned.  A fine writer, but his cynical characters got this one wrong.   But I agree with this much: There are folks who cannot take an act of kindness without grumbling, without scheming to even out the balance sheet.  They sleep unsettled until they find a way to repay what they consider a debt.  Others settle into their recliners scowling; how dare that person have more wealth than I, and flaunt it to show their superiority?  Such unlucky souls see any courtesy as a deliberate effort to put them down.  Others interpret any thanks as an expression of resentment, espousing Heinlein’s small opinion of humanity.

I walk through the house turning out the lights, listening to the dog settle in her bed.  I wonder:  Which one of these sad folks have I been over the years?  I stand and watch the night sky at the back door.  I tell myself, Each of them, in turns.  I lock the door and leave the kitchen to go upstairs, grateful for the passage of time, happy that I’ve learned so much and come so far.  Humbled by the distance yet to climb; wistful — that in sixty years, I have gotten no farther than this.

As I dropped Catherine tonight and made my way to the Holmes house, Heinlein’s words came to the surface.  I softly chuckled in the quiet confines of the car.  When I got home, I found the Japanese word for “thank you”.    Old Robert H got one thing right — there are a lot of them:

ありがとう
Arigatou
Thank you

どうもありがとう
Doumo arigatou
Thanks a lot

ありがとうございます
Arigatou gozaimasu
Thank you (This is more polite than ありがとう Arigatou.)

どうもありがとうございます
Doumo arigatou gozaimasu
Thank you very much

どうも
Doumo
Thanks

ありがとうございました
Arigatou gozaimashita

This is a past tense version of ありがとうございます Arigatou gozaimasu. This expression is used when you thank for something that has been done to you, for example, you can say it to your teacher at the end of a lesson, or to your host when you leave a house party. Also the past tense version is the one to use when you write a Thank you letter.

すみません
Sumimasen 

恐れ入ります
Osoreirimasu

You can use すみません Sumimasen to thank someone when you want to acknowledge the trouble that someone has taken for you. What you’re doing is “apologizing” for having made someone go to the trouble for your benefit. (It doesn’t matter whether you asked/wished for it or not.) This is a form of politeness!

*****  Another expression that means Thank you in Japanese is 恐れ入ります Osoreirimasu. This is not something we casually use every day. Rather, it’s a very polite expression preferred by business people when talking to their customers.

For a longer explanation, see the site from which I took these HERE.

I saw a lawyer in court today whom I have not seen for a long time and don’t know very well.  I said, How are you, sir, and he replied, I can’t complain; you?  I smiled.  I’m smiling still.

It’s the evening of the sixth day of the thirty-first month of My [Never-Ending] Year Without Complaining.  I have early Court tomorrow, so this blog entry covers the morning as well.  To my friends Sandy and Chuck:  Good day to you, my dears.  Hug each  other for me.  To my friend Catherine:  Thank you.  I appreciate what you did for me.

Life continues.