I’ve discovered that it’s much easier to be close-minded than it is to be open-hearted.

I’ve more or less stopped buying groceries.  I’m living my life from coffee shop to coffee shop, from restaurant to restaurant, from park bench to park bench.  I invite friends to join me; I talk to strangers; I read.  I write.  I’ve recently been accused of being selfish by one person and being generous and loving by another.  Letting one’s emotions show allows for misinterpretation and judgment but it also provides a chance for glorious encounters.

My friend Katrina manages the Meals on Wheels program at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church here in Kansas City.  She now has a long list of people for whom she exceeds the parameters of the program. She grocery-shops, she cooks, she fetches food and makes arrangements with utility companies for a half-dozen people who started as stops on her MOW route.  I aspire to be like her but in reality, if I can just beat back the number of people who see only my faults, and increase the number of people to whom I show my positive attributes, I will feel that I have walked some semblance of her path.

This year of living with an open heart marches slowly to  close.  Tomorrow we will bury the remains of my favorite curmudgeon and I will turn my face to the sky and shed another thousand tears, if only later, in private, in my car or in a Starbucks far from my neighborhood.  The hours of conversation which I enjoyed with my father-in-law linger in my heart.  My time with him enriched my life.  Had I not let his wife into my heart, I do not think he would have followed and embraced me.  But I did; and he did; and though I grieve his passing, I am immeasurably grateful for having him in my life.  Joanna’s smile cracked the iron door behind which I had hidden.  Jay’s kindness threw it wide.

Though opening the door to my heart allows for pain, it also allows for joy.  For grace.  For peace.  I could let it slam shut again to block out the chance for suffering but I will not.  I will leave the door open wide, and my healing will be part of Jay and Joanna’s legacy.

Joanna and Jay.