All of us have friends to whom we recount the events, and remains, of the day.  When we’re worried about our children, fretting over our careers, miffed with our partners, we sit down with our closest friends for a good natter.  I did this just yesterday with one good friend, and she nattered right back, trying to ferret out the best path of two presenting themselves to her, lamenting that she doesn’t have a more viable third choice just now.

Is this complaining?  I say: No, it’s not complaining, it’s just explaining. And I want more than just a listen — I want an active engagement.  I want my friend to say, “Why is your brow furrowed?  Why do you clench your jaw?  Can I do anything to help you brainstorm?  Do you need a good cry to clear your mind and your heart, so you can look for solutions?”

By giving up complaining, I don’t mean to stake my claim on the far side of these necessary personal confidences.  But even so, just grousing hardly ever produces anything, even emotional release.   Sitting down and griping about somebody who “done me wrong” might seem attractive at first, but in reality serves little purpose for me.  Rather —  what I want to do is phrase things in thoughtful terms.  “I’m worried about….What do you think about….So-and-so said, and I don’t know whether I should care….”.  My friends might have suggestions and they might not.  But even within my most intimate circle, just complaining has little purpose.  I want to explain; and try to find a solution.  Or get my friend’s support for enduring, changing, or walking away from a situation or a relationship.

But I really don’t want to just complain.  Nobody likes a whiner!  Even my best friend.  They might smile and listen, but deep inside they are thinking, and so?  what are you going to do about it, my dear?

Excellent question!