Lessons Learned

Readers of this blog roughly fall into one of three categories:  Those who enjoy my writing; those who find my life-journey appealing or intriguing; and those who read this blog out of loyalty, possibly misguided, unappreciated, or remarkably unrelenting.  The three groups overlap to some extent.

Tonight’s entry takes the place of tomorrow morning’s intended fare, since I am due in court quite early.  Perversely, I have decided to offer a lesson that I’ve gleaned from two years of trying to live without complaining, and sixty years of slogging through travails punctuated by occasional flashes of monumental joy.  This post likely will disappoint everyone equally, and satisfy no one.  I accept that.  But what I write comes from me without much effort and with little control.  I do self-edit; I do not mention names except happily, nor describe painful events other than obliquely.  Otherwise, I sit at the computer and type.  What you see flows.  Editing for grammar, spelling, or the occasional missed Oxford comma follows.  Content remains nearly exactly as it spilled on the page.

So.  Now that all but the diehard have stopped reading, here you have it — what I wanted to share — and it is a list.

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO PEOPLE TRYING TO OVERCOME SERIOUS ADVERSITY.

By “serious adversity”, I do not mean broken manicures, Charley-horses, five extra pounds that no one but them can see (unless it is a person with anorexia or bulimia), or the recent loss of a game — however critical — by their home town team.  I do mean: loss of a loved one by death, divorce, or distance; serious health problems in themselves or a close family member; devastating financial setbacks; or volatility in career, home, or school.  Domestic violence, assault, internet bullying, and the like fit into the category of “serious adversity”.

I’ll preface this list with a few caveats.  I get that you are well-intended.  I’ll stipulate.  I’ll even go so far as to say that your advice could work for the person to whom you tender it.  I give you this list and suggest you delete these particular gems (and similar ones) from your conversations with those suffering tragedy because this advice rarely works, usually prompts wails of lament (even complaint), and will put a dandy wall between you and the person who has been the recipient of your wisdom.  More importantly:  Giving people this kind of advice contributes to their feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and worthlessness.  

And yes:  I backspaced to add that Oxford comma.  Just so you know.

So (throat-clearing), here it is:

TOP TEN  THINGS NOT TO SAY TO PEOPLE TRYING TO OVERCOME SERIOUS ADVERSITY.

in reverse order.

10.  Use this as a growth experience.

9.  Get over it!  It’s not that bad.

8.  When you get past this, you will see that you’re better off.

7.  So many people have it worse than you do!

6.  I know you can handle this.   You’re stronger than you think.

5.  You think you’ve got problems?  I’ve been through much worse than this!

4.  You brought this on yourself.

3.  A lot of people would love to have what you have, so don’t complain!

2.  I know it hurts now but time heals all wounds.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO AVOID SAYING TO A PERSON TRYING TO OVERCOME A SERIOUS PROBLEM IS…..(Drum roll, please)…..

1.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

(What does that even mean?)

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I feel better just knowing that I got this off my chest.  Mind — I’m not complaining — but I have gritted my teeth through a whole lot of folks levying these platitudes on me, and I’m hoping that I’ve saved some other folks from having to bite their tongues.  So I’ll close with one more suggestion, and then a little treat.

The suggestion?  Here’s what you can say to someone trying to deal with serious adversity.  Take it from me:  This works.  So, here it is:

YOU MUST BE FEELING REALLY BAD.  LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED TO TALK.  I’M A GOOD LISTENER.

It’s evening on the twenty-fourth day of the twenty-ninth month of My Year Without Complaining.  For the patient ones who’ve gotten this far, here’s the treat — pictures of the serenity in my world.  My happy place.  In which, it must be said, life continues.

 

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4 thoughts on “Lessons Learned

  1. Susan

    Yes, yes, 1,000x yes! Platitudes have absolutely *no* place in a truly empathetic response to someone who is truly grieving and struggling. I think that I have heard all of those comments too. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to hear that as well. I 100% agree. {{{{hug}}}}

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