Challenges; Monday morning, six a.m.

I’ve had a thousand conversations in my head with people who think they know me but then behave towards me in ways to which I react so strongly and so negatively that I have to leave the room  just to avoid blurting out a stream of vile complaint.

The disconnect between what I will find pleasing or acceptable or tolerable, and what people who claim to know me believe will be pleasurable, acceptable, or bearable astounds me.  I find myself wondering if I know them as well as I think I do.  Does this glaring disconnect go both ways?

Even now — even after two years of exploring the concept of nonviolence and living complaint-free, I need to take myself by the scruff of the neck, march myself into a closet and scold myself.  Your reaction is your CHOICE, I admonish myself in the imaginary mirror.  They meant well!  They wanted to do something nice for you! They had no idea how you would react.

And therein lies the rub.  I know my sister Joyce has developed a late-life, severe peanut allergy.  Exposure to peanuts could be fatal.  Would I give her Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups?  Uh, no.  What if I had not been paying attention?  What if I focused so little when she spoke, that I did not recall her stories of urgent situations when someone brought peanuts into her environment?  Would I be at fault if, in my self-engendered ignorance, I served PB&J when she came for lunch?

I turn my contemplation inward.  I ask myself, does intent redeem the fumble?  It might not, if I gave Joyce peanuts but should it, if someone says or does something “that upsets me”?   I use quotes here because NVC eschews the cause-and-effect relationship of your action and my reaction.  So, someone acts in a manner contrary to what will fulfill some emotional need of mine.  I control my reaction.  I choose my reaction.   I choose how I view the actor; I choose what I feel inside.

I strive to choose to value the actor and set aside their action, even though it does not meet my emotional needs.  A challenge, to be sure.  But my goal nonetheless.

Monday morning, six a.m.  I’m awake.  I’m reviewing my life.  I’ve slept poorly, as I always do.  I’m thinking of people who’ve reached out to me and accidentally torn open a small corner of a healing wound.  We all experience this.  We all do this.  We tell ourselves to forgive.  We tell ourselves, they meant well.

I rise and start my day’s stretches.  My muscles have contracted in the night; stretching extends their useful life.  As I reach,  I expand my chest cavity, taking in a full measure of air.  Then I release that breath in a long, slow, full exhale.

It’s the fifteenth day of the twenty-sixth month of My Year Without Complaining.  One step forward, two steps backward.  But still moving.  Life continues.

 

2 thoughts on “Challenges; Monday morning, six a.m.

  1. Pat

    I hope if I had carelessly said something offensive that you WILL tell me. Otherwise, how does one nurture and improve a relationship if you are reticent to talk about what is going on. So please, if I say the wrong thing, please DO let me know what it is and why.

    Reply
    1. ccorleyjd365 Post author

      First of all, Pat, thank you. Second — one nurtures relationships by receiving what people do as their efforts to meet your needs, and letting them know what your needs are and what requests you make of them to meet those needs but leaving them free to say “yes” or “no” to those requests. What I am trying to do is not be angry with people for doing things which not only do not meet my needs, but which bring me up short, especially when the intentions are honorable.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *