Mothers complain as part of their job.  They observe their children’s behavior, correct, comment, and censor.  I never saw this as “complaining” before now, but in fact, it is.

Perhaps it’s legitimate complaining, but nonetheless, it is “complaining”.  “You didn’t take the trash out!” we might say.  The child   lowers her eyes, finding the tops of her shoes fascinating.  We stand before the offending angel.  We levy some punishment — previously disclosed or not — in the hopes that our complaint will be met with compliance.  Is it?  Sometimes; sometimes not.  Any shuffling in the direction of the trash bears with it a cloud of resentment.

What do we teach our children by such methods?  To despise chores.  To find ways to avoid them.  To be devious.

I started motherhood with a different attitude. I wanted co-operation, not obedience.  I argued with my second husband, my son’s first step-father, about this goal.  I found myself defending my strong, innate pull to teaching my son why I desired him to act, rather than stopping the lesson at the fact of my desire.  I got tired, not just from my husband’s insistence but from the pressures of life, from the need to have things done in the face of a recalcitrant assistant, from the other considerations that superseded my thirst for purity in parenting.  I found myself employing those age-old reasons:  “Because I’m your mother, that’s why!” resounded through our house.  “It’s for your own good, just do it!”

Gag me with a bent baby spoon!  Did I really say that?

My son survived. He’s 22 and has undertaken the normal number of accomplishments.  He’s done well, he’s grown strong.  He has insecurities, as do we all.  I’m sure my parenting style contributed to some of them, but in reality, maybe I give myself too much credit, or blame.  And I’m not knocking myself, cousin Kati; I’m just reflecting.  Because, in reality, I find myself applying this style in other relationships, too: My role as supervisor, my role as  attorney, my role as wife, friend, and mother-of-an-adult, sister-of-a-sister.  Picking at the things that the person has done “wrong” in my mind; and the ways in which they could change their behavior to be “right” and therefore, in my view, more successful.

Now that I’ve made this connection, I’ll be pondering a different approach.  Stay tuned for more thoughts on my desire to abandon “complaining” as behavior modification!