It has been three months since I started this journey, and I’ve been taking stock.

I have made a conscious decision to try to be more pleasant in my dealings with people. By and large, I’ve been successful.  I’ve had setbacks and unexpected validation alike.  I’ve been told by people who see me every day that my disposition has substantially improved.  When I find myself feeling angry, for the most part, I back down.  When I don’t back down, I try to find the calmest route to resolution.  When I lose my cool, I own the result; and move forward.

I started down this path to have a more peaceful existence and a smoother co-existence with my family, friends and colleagues.  I heard the words of Marshall Rosenberg:  Stop playing the game of “right and wrong”, and start playing the game of “have a wonderful life.”

Having a wonderful life does not mean being a doormat.  It means identifying my needs, making requests of people to behave in ways that meet those needs, and recognizing and identifying my emotional reaction to people’s behavior that does not meet my needs.  I didn’t make this up; I learned this from studying Nonviolent Communication.  NVC also involves recognizing other people’s needs, paying attention to the feelings that they have when their needs are not met, and considering the requests that they make of you to fulfill those needs.

This sounds a little idealistic, I know.  Many of us have been raised to believe that we must win; and we win by picking a loser.  We win; they lose.  We’re right; they’re wrong.  When the other person insists that their point of view be heard and considered, we loudly lament their voice.  That complaining undermines our having a wonderful life.

I read somewhere, before I even heard of Nonviolent Communication, that an important thing to recognize about interpersonal relationships is that It is not my job to persuade the other person to agree with my point of view.  It is okay for the other person to have a point of view different than mine.  I have thought about that a lot, and I think I understand and embrace this concept.

But I still have a problem.  The other person wants to persuade me to agree with them!!  So I find myself grousing about that.  “I stopped insisting I’m right; but now it’s like I’ve conceded that I’m WRONG!”  Not so — or, shall I say, that’s only true if I am still playing the game of right and wrong!  So, do I sit smiling, nodding, allowing the person to think I agree with them?  Do I say something bound to antagonize, like, “I see your point of view”, code for “but don’t agree”?

These are issues that have troubled me as I have tried to let go of complaining.  The big area of complaining for me is complaints about the behavior of  people close to me.  I need to learn to let people say their peace, listen, ask questions, and not worry about whether the speaker is judging me in any way.  Do they think I’m wrong?  Okay, I can live with that.  Do they think I’m stupid?  Okay, I can live with that too.  Both of those opinions are not really what they think.  What they think is that I disagree with them, and that if I don’t agree with them I think they are stupid!  

Their need to be valued and respected might lead them to judge you harshly, if they are afraid that  you don’t value them.

It can be a hopeless cycle.  But if you step off the merry-go-round of “right or wrong”, the cycle can be broken and you can find yourself having a wonderful life.