The Empress reflects: Self, meet self.

My mother gave me a book years ago — okay, decades ago, called “Emmy Lou:  Her book and her heart”.  It told the story of a young girl in a section of British-ruled Canada, from age 5 or so, through the teen years.   She went from being “Emmy Lou” to being “Emily Louise” through the course of the novel — from a stumbling, mystified child to a self-aware young woman.

At one point, Emily Louise looks in a mirror and then blushes and turns away.  The caption on the drawing facing the chapter reads, “Self meets self”.

I thought of Emmy Lou today when a friend, Paula Caplan, posted on her FB page that she told someone she likes herself — an avowal that escaped her without warning or precognition but with conviction.  I’m proud of her.  Her admission got me to thinking about all the things which I dislike about myself and my inability to accept my imperfections.

I made a list, even:

  1. I have a horrible gait.
  2. My skin is blotchy.
  3. I carry an extra five pounds around my stomach.
  4. I cry too easily.
  5. I’m stubborn.
  6. I have really grey hair.
  7. My teeth are broken, crooked, and permanently yellow (due to a medication — truly permanent).
  8. I am losing my eyesight.
  9. I am too short to be tall and statuesque, and too tall to be petite.
  10. My hands are gnarled.
  11. My feet are even more gnarled than my hands.
  12. I cry too easily, did I mention that?
  13. I hold onto hope well past all reasonable potential for a positive outcome.
  14. I know a little bit about a few things and almost nothing about most things.
  15. I am terrible at managing money.
  16. I forgot to teach my son a lot of stuff that I really want him to know.
  17. I am a compulsive list-maker.
  18. I argue with people when I should just listen.
  19. I got an incomplete in college because I just stopped going to class and I never confessed, setting a life-long pattern of quitting without explanation.
  20. Did I mention that I walk funny?

Oh boy oh boy.  The Empress of the Universe truly does not like herself!  And yet:  I keep thinking about my friend Paula blurting out that she in fact does like herself.  Inspired by Paula, I find myself wondering — maybe I could get there too?  Maybe this quest not to complain needs to circle round and focus on not complaining about myself, which Pat Reynolds has been hammering me to consider, for the last fifteen or more months?

So, in an effort to at least consider whether I can accept myself, I took this random “selfie” — without make-up, without my blond curls trailing down around to cover my crooked ears and my blotchy skin.  I’m posting it here at great risk to my fragile self-esteem, because it is indeed, a “selfie”.  My self.  Oh boy.  Close eyes, jump in, here goes nothing!  Please note:  I am not attempting to elicit compliments about myself in any way, shape or form. I am simply putting myself out and telling myself:  Get over it, girlfriend. You are what you are.  Self, meet self.

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4 thoughts on “The Empress reflects: Self, meet self.

  1. Katrina Taggart

    Does it help that we all love you “in spite of yourself” as you might say? Perhaps you can accept that if others love you just as you are, perhaps you can too. I hope so.

    Reply
  2. ccorleyjd365 Post author

    Katrina: You are so extraordinarily good that your loving me doesn’t inspire me to love myself, but to love you, which I do.

    Reply

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