Let us hope I am not a swine

At the other end of the phone, my son fell silent.  I had just asked his advice about how to respond to an uncomfortable situation in my life.  My reason for consulting him lay in the fact that he has a more solid handle on nonviolent communication than I do.  I outlined what had transpired.  I expected him to talk about identifying my feelings and needs, and making a request of the other party to do something which would meet my needs.  When making such a request nonviolently, you make clear that the person with whom you are speaking can refuse your request.  You then figure out another way to meet your need.

I waited.  My son asked a question, which I answered and then, my son gave his advice:  “Don’t say anything.”

Just walk away.

Uh, what?  Walk away?  Don’t engage?  Don’t announce my needs, request fulfillment by a certain course of action that the other may decline?  Don’t ask for empathy?

No.  Just walk away.

And why?  “Whatever caused this dynamic happened a long time ago, and it’s too late to change it.  Just accept it.”

Well, then, there’s that.  We talked about other things, and then finished the call.  I sat for a time, in my warm, comfortable living room.  After a while, I began to hear the NVC tapes playing in my head and I realized that my son had analyzed this situation consistently with nonviolent communication’s essential mantra:  Instead of playing the right-and-wrong game, play the game of leading a wonderful life.   I knew that the other party in my little dilemma would not meet whatever need I might try to serve by engaging them.  And so this left me to figure out what that need might be, and to get it met in some other way.  I felt myself relax, realizing suddenly that I had been steeling myself for confrontation, a fight which would have no winners and which would leave both me and the other person with, at the very least, an unmet need to feel accepted.

And so,  I will say nothing.  If the issue arises, I will state only facts, simply, without judgment, without placing blame.  I will not make demands, nor even requests, and I will certainly not form let alone articulate expectations.

Out of the mouths of babes, pearls of wisdom sometimes fall.  I can only hope that I make good use of them.

 

P.S.:  Patrick often grows weary of me talking about him.  But sometimes my interaction with him just fits perfectly into my blog.  Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Says the recovering Catholic, who has forsworn both blame and shame, smiling.

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